Topic:  What is the nature of natural family planning?

Source of this posting: Moderator response

Date originally posted: February 10, 2003

Moderator who originally posted this source: Father Phillip

Question:   I must say I love this website! I have wasted way too much time looking at all the random questions and answers. There really is a wealth of information. As for my question, recently I came across some information about natural family planning put out by an organization that works through the diocese. The issue of artificial birth control has always been really a non-issue for me. I had never heard anyone say that it was wrong, in fact many of the girls I knew were put on it as teenagers. ( I think their mothers didnt want any little suprises coming home!) So it was with interest that I began reading this new information. I'm still not sure that I truly understand what the point of it is, but I'm always up for trying something! Yet, alot of the information seemed really anti-women and anti-sex. I dont even consider myself a hard core feminisit, but I am a young woman who has worked very hard to get where I am today and am now working on my masters degree with the intention of having a fulfilling career ahead of me. This NFP information continually stressed that we shouldnt be selfish with children. They backed it up with many offical church teachings. It disturbed me to think that the catholic church wants me barefoot and pregnant the rest of my life. I came away feeling guilty that unless my husband and I are poor and have 6 kids we will not have fulfilled our duty. In my opinion, child rearing is about quality not quantity. Can you give me some clarification on this issue. How can the church and modern women such as myself ever come to understanding each other? I always trust you all to have clear heads on your shoulders and this issue has really been bugging me!

Answer: 

Dear Beth,

Thanks for your kind comments! Flattery will get you everywhere! :-) Ok, not really -- but we at www.CatholicQandA.org do appreciate that God is using the site in your life!

You ask about a very complex and historically "fraught" matrix of issues. Let's see if we can unravel them, with the help and guidance of God's good Spirit.

As a beginning: The Catholic Church does NOT want you feeling guilty, does NOT want you to be poor, does NOT want you barefoot, and does NOT want you pregnant the rest of your life!

The Church rejoices in the fact that God has created you with many gifts and talents. Moreover, the Church rejoices that you have chosen to accept the gift of faith which God has offered you. Clearly, you are a woman of goodness and faith and ability -- that's definitely a winning combo!

At the same time, I have to admit that I am not "at ease" with your assertion that "child rearing is about quality not quantity." Those kinds of assertions always bother me -- from a theological point-of-view. Who decides what "quality" is? Whose 'standards' determine what constitutes "better quality" as compared to "lesser quality"?

For example: Is quality determined by how many Polo baby shirts a couple can provide for their infant? Is quality determined by the kind of private school a child is able to attend? Is quality determined by how close a family can live to grandparents?

"Quality" is a term that is so conditioned by society, as well as economic and political assumptions, that I am uncomfortable using it as the desideratum for this important matrix.

I would prefer that we talk about "following the will of our good and gracious God." Of course, that criterion pre-supposes that a couple is praying together and praying consistently, that a couple is seeking out spiritual direction and counseling (if it is necessary), that a couple really and truly desires to do God's will rather than buying into the (fairly) easy pre-fab notions of success or quality. And that, of course, is a tall order! But my suspicion is that you are up to it! :-)

Having said all of that, I would have to agree with what you implied in your question, namely that, most unfortunately, some of what has passed as 'official' Church teaching has, in the past, been tainted my misogyny. Further, I believe that some of what "the Church 'says'" is infected with a most lamentable type of "anti-Incarnationalism".

Whenever Christians are scandalized by the indisputable fact that the Second Person of the Most Blessed Trinity assumed flesh of the Virgin Mary and became a man, we are confronted by this "anti-Incarnationalism." Don't take my word on this issue; read, slowly and prayerfully, chapters 2-6 in Hebrews which is an extended meditation on the Incarnation and its implications for Christians. George Bernard Shaw, I think, was the one who said something like, "Christians are just not comfortable with their God becoming a man." He was right.

While this subject is far too complex to go into at length in an email, suffice it to say that when Christians succumb to "anti-Incarnationalism" many bad consequences follow. Among those unfortunate results are an "anti-sex" bias as well as misogyny.

Our God rejoices in our humanity. Our being human is not a mistake on God's part; God knew exactly what God was doing when God made us human. And even more remarkably, God knew exactly what God was doing when the Second Person of the Blessed Trinity assumed flesh of the Virgin and became one like us in every way but sin. Could we ask for a greater proof of God's love for us? Could we imagine a greater affirmation of the goodness of our being human? I think not. In the earliest ages of the Christian Church, Saint Justin Martyr (if memory serves)asserted that the glory of God is man fully alive. That hasn't changed -- thank God!

So, Beth, you need to identify the gifts -- intellectual, spiritual, physical, relational -- which God has given you.

I would urge you to be somewhat "counter-cultural" in your assessment of your gifts. Don't fall into the trap of simply assuming that your gifts are defined by 3.2 children, a master's degree, a big house with a huge mortgage, and a Beemer -- or any variant of whatever 'society' is peddling at a given moment as "success."

Remember that Simeon said that the infant Jesus would be "a sign of contradiction" (Luke 2). The present Pope, before he was Pope, published an excellent book with that as the title. So, we who follow the Child, must be willing to be signs of contradiction -- very often we're called to contradict the prevailing winds of our society, especially as we seek to discern God's will for us and for our family.

So, as you read information about NFP, try as best you can to filter out any "anti-Incarnational" data that may have crept in over the centuries. You're plenty smart; you can do that.

One of the great gifts of NFP is that it DEMANDS constant communication between the couple. NFP (and it's similar programs) requires that the woman (and to a lesser extent, the man) be aware of and attentive to her body.

NFP prevents a couple from relegating sex to "another activity." Sex in marriage, certainly, has a "unitive" purpose -- that is, for the encouragement and even for the enjoyment of the couple. But sex in marriage is not, I think, intended to be simply a way to release tension.

Sex in marriage is the most profound expression of the spiritual, psychological, intellectual, and emotional unity of the couple. When sex is only a release, it's not being 'used' for the beautiful purpose for which God gives us the gift of our sexuality.

So, should you and your husband use NFP? I don't know the answer to that question. I certainly don't think that you should dismiss NFP because it's inconvenient or because it's not as PC as you and I might want it to be. There are important, good, and valuable lessons to be learned from a prayerful, careful examination and discussion of NFP.

On the other hand, I'm not your spiritual director, so I don't know the specifics of your prayer and your life. That ignorance on my part keeps me from giving you any kind of advice about your particular situation.

You seem like a person of genuine and growing faith. So, Beth, keep praying; keep learning; seek spiritual direction; and always trust God! In the fullness of time, God will show you the proper direction for you and your husband!

Be well!
Father Phillip