Topic:  Does love affect the morality of premarital sex?

Source of this posting: Moderator response

Date originally posted: April 24, 2003

Moderator who originally posted this source: Father Phillip

Question:   I was just wondering if someone were to have sex before marriage and you do it out of love with the person you're seeing, is that still considered as a sin? I know that in the context of the catholic thelogy morale, having sex before marriage is a sin , but would it make any difference if you're doing it out of love for someone? Thank you!

Answer: 

Thanks for your question...the fact that you want to include God in the decision-making process is important and an evidence of your faithfulness; that's great!

An ancient and beautiful aphorism goes something like this: "Where love is, there is God." So, in many ways we believe that the presence of real, authentic, committed, life-transforming LOVE is the Presence of God.

The question, of course, is, "How do we determine if LOVE is really present in a relationship?" And that's a tough one.

Most people would agree that lust is very significantly different than LOVE. That's probably why we have two different words.

Wanting to express one's LOVE in a genital, sexual way with a partner is a natural component of being human. The problem is that too often we allow the hormones and impetuses of lust to be mistaken for LOVE. We don't like to admit the truth about ourselves many times: Part of that truth is that we do have those hormonal urges. They're not bad in themselves. But another part of the truth about ourselves is that we also have "higher faculties" like reason and will and self-control. We have to use those "higher faculties" to know how best to employ the hormonal urges and feelings.

We have to be willing to listen to the teaching of the Church, the wisdom of parents and others who have gone before us, the stories of Scripture, the insights of psychology, and other means of educating ourselves to know what LOVE in its fullest sense means in our lives.

I would suggest the following questions as departure points for a thorough discussion about LOVE.

1. Is this another in a line of relationships where I have been "convinced" that I was in love and have, consequently, given myself permission to move beyond the limits of traditional Catholic (sexual) morality?
2. Am I willing to put aside my wants and desires for the LEGITIMATE NEEDS of my partner?
3. Am I prone to fits of jealousy and suspicion?
4. Do I feel the need to exclude other people from our relationship? Am I comfortable including old friends? His/Her friends? Can I/we stay close to our families-of-origin in appropriate ways?
5. Is virtually all of your time together characterized by sex first and mostly? Can you be together without having to become intensely involved in sexual activity?
6. Are you willing to make a commitment of fidelity and perseverance-in-relationship to each other? Are you willing to make that commitment in a public venue?

While these kinds of questions do not exhaust the reflection that a couple should make as a prelude to making other important decisions about the nature and course of their relationship, they can provide a good beginning.

Does doing something out of LOVE for someone make a difference, you ask. Yes, of course, LOVE always makes a difference for the good. LOVE always leads us to God and to the community of faith.

Is having sex before marriage sinful? Yes, objectively, that act is sinful.

But the issue is more complex, I think. Whenever we sin, we harm ourselves; we minimize our capacity to LOVE in authentic and committed ways; we hurt others; we perpetuate lies and self-deception; we complicate our ability to recognize Truth and Goodness and Beauty.

Thanks again for your question.

Blessings,
Father Phillip