Topic: Internet encounters

Date originally posted: November 16, 2002

Source of this posting: Moderator response to emailed question

Moderator who originally posted this source: Cathy Rusin

Question: Hello. I have been wondering about something for a very long time. It is a bit confusing to even me so I don't expect you do understand it too well either. Anyway, when I was in second grade I made some 'bad online choices.' A fifteen year old IMed me and asked me if I wanted to have 'cyber sex' and I consented. I began to have a great interest in these types of things, which ended not too long after. I am now extremely ashamed and I was wondering about your feelings on this. Also, do you have any ideas on how I may feel better about this, how I could stop feeling so bad? I feel as if it was involuntary, or at least wish that it was. I know I chose to do it and I've already gone to confession about it, which didn't help, and I don't know what else will help. Do you have any ideas about this?

Answer: 

It is a real cliche by now to talk about the blessings and dangers of cyberspace, and I certainly don't need to tell you about them. I am very sorry that your childhood was robbed from you, that you were introduced to a real misuse of God’s gift of sexuality at an age when you should have been more concerned with stuffed animals or riding bikes.

I hope you do understand that God has long since forgiven you for your participation in those sad interchanges. Don't forget that this happened when you had barely reached what is called the "age of reason", the time (about 7 years old) when someone can be said to make responsible choices. Someone so young can be much too easily influenced by an older person, and curiosity can lead us where we would be better off not going. While feeling ashamed or guilt can be a way to help us avoid choosing bad things, letting those feelings direct your life is really not healthy, and really not what God wants for any of us.

So, how can you stop feeling so bad? Well, do acknowledge and be grateful for your decision to end those unhealthy interactions. It takes real strength to do that. Please also seek out someone you trust and feel comfortable talking with for some counseling. Whether it is your local priest or someone at the parish, a school counselor, or maybe a local counselor, please do find a trustworthy grownup who can help you feel better.

On a practical level, many Catholic Social Services/Ministries organizations have professional counselors, and if money is a concern for your family, they often charge based on what they call a "sliding scale". It seems as if you are probably still in high school, and you did not mention if your parents know anything about this occurrence. Whether or not you choose to share that information with them, I am sure they don't want you to keep feeling bad. Let them know there are some things on your mind that you think it would help to talk with someone about.

Above all, share your concerns and your feelings with Jesus. Jesus loves you as you are and wants you to feel whole again -so don't be afraid to talk to him. Please be assured of my prayers for you.

Peace,
Cathy Rusin