Topic:  How can someone with a child advance in their marital vocation while obeying the Church's moral law?

Source of this posting: Moderator response

Date originally posted: June 3, 2003

Moderator who originally posted this source: Father Phillip

Question:  My question deals with the situation that a friend is dealing with. The young lady is dealing with a very important problem. As many young Catholics have, unfortunately, this young lady gave into the temptation of premarital sex. To her credit however, she decided not to abort her child and now enjoys the gift of a young son, despite the fact that the father is both unable and unwilling to lend any support. My question is about the Church's stance in such a situation. What are this mother's options and what would the Church recommend? The young lady referenced above has now found a new commitment to Christ and the Church because of her situation. She would like to find a man that would be able to fulfill the fatherly role that is most important in the growth of a child. At the same time she recognizes the fact that her former sins, resulting in a child out of wedlock, create a situation that is not ideal for a Catholic man looking to start a family. Surmountly, she is worried that the Church, or at least representatives of, namely local priests, would advise young men against entering such a relationship. Although this advice seems certainly warranted, where does this leave the young women who wisely avoid abortion? Obviously, the miraculous sacrament of reconciliation is important here. Unfortunately, the sacrament does not completely fix the problem of a young, single Catholic woman who forgoes an abortion to bear a child outside of marriage. My question specifically would be; how do women, as well as men involved in such a situation, advance in their marital vocation while being obedient to the Church's moral teaching? Does the Church look negatively on this type of occurence expecting the mother to devout herself to a life of single parenting and perpetual virginity? Or does the Church encourage young men that are able and willing to enter such a situation to do so?I have done endless hours of research on this topic and have not been able to conclude and clear answer. PI genuinely ask that you can give an answer to such a difficult scenario In Christ, Sean

Answer: 

Dear Sean,

As an undergraduate at Franciscan University (in Steubenville?) in your mid-20s, we at CatholicQandA.org are delighted to have the opportunity to respond to your question.

First, I would just want to say how wonderful that your friend chose to have her child -- that shows a faithfulness and courage about which she must be commended: Good for her! The Holy Spirit was clearly at work in her life -- even if she didn't fully realize it -- when she made the decision to bring the child to term.

And the fact that she wants to marry is also wonderful.

Of course, we as Catholics look at marriage as a call from God. If God is calling your friend to marriage, then God will lead her to the right man -- whether he is Catholic or not. The key is that she be open to the leading and direction of the Holy Spirit so that she will hear and then follow God's call in her life as she chooses a life-mate. Naturally, I would hope that the man God leads her to marry is a Roman Catholic. But I can't tell God what to do. As long as your friend prays with openness to the Holy Spirit, she will find just the right man. Her "past sins" will not keep our dear Lord from directing her to the appropriate state in life or to the right person with whom to spend her life. Her past sins -- like mine, thank Goodness! -- have been cast as far from her as the East is from the West by the loving compassion of God.

You ask if the Church wants a young woman who has had a child out of wedlock to be a single parent and perpetually not-married. The answer, basically, is no -- the Church wants for such a woman what the Church wants for all of us: To do whatever God calls us to do. So, if God is calling your friend to marry, that's what the Church wants for her. If God is calling her to be a really superb single parent, then that's what the Church wants for her.

Remember what the Blessed Mother said to the waiters at the wedding of Cana in Galilee (John 2:5), "Do whatever He tells you to do." Well, that's what the Church is always saying, "Do whatever God tells you to do!"

If, after faithfully seeking the will of God, through the Sacrament of Reconciliation, personal prayer, and spiritual direction, your friend feels called to marriage, GREAT! If you, or any young man, after doing those same things, feels that he is called to marry a woman who has a child by a man who is not her husband, that, too, is wonderful because it is a response to God's will in your life.

Finally, you mention the fear that a local priest might advise you to avoid a woman who chose not to have an abortion. Each priest has to follow his own guidance and prayerful discernment about what to say in a particular setting. But my own sense is that most priests really just want to encourage those persons who come for spiritual direction to listen for God and then to do whatever God calls that person to do.

So, many blessings to you and to your friend!
Father Phillip