Topic:  Can a Catholic marry a non-Christian?

Source of this posting: Moderator response

Date originally posted: June 6, 2003

Moderator who originally posted this source: Father Phillip

Question:  I am a strong Catholic and I have feelings for a man who is Hindu. He has a good heart, and is a great person, but I cant get past the religious differences. It is very important to me that I raise my children Catholic and I would like to be able to share the same beliefs with my husband. What are the Catholic view on Marriage with a person with such great religious differences. Can I welcome God into the relationship if he isn't a believer in one God? Can the sacrament of matrimony take place if one of the partners is a non-believer? I would like to date this boy, but I feel that if the future in marriage is not possible if I want to be married in God's eyes, then starting to date this person is not a good idea.

Answer: 

Dear Erin,

You sound like such a great person, and your question is filled with evidences of real faith. I am positively confident that God will guide, direct, and lead you to make just the right decision.

Your profile reflects that you are an undergrad in a great midwestern University; thanks for coming to CatholicQandA.org! As an engineer some of the things I am about to say may seem a little "flaky" to you, but the Church really does have some excellent insights into marriage and dating. So, try to look beyond your "engineering" point-of-view :-) and go with your mind AND your heart into the Church's wisdom where you'll find some great stuff!

To begin, then, marriage is a vocation which God gives to some people. In order to know whether you're called to marriage at all (or to the single life or to Religious life), you have to be willing to open your heart and mind IN PRAYER to the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Too many people just "assume" that they are supposed to get married because they see so many people being married, because it's the "logical 'next step,'" because they can't think of anything else to do, because they are determined to have children, because they think that being married will make them feel whole or happy... These -- by themselves or even primarily -- are not reasons to get married.

Rather, the only really valid reason to marry is that a Christian has listened intently in prayer for that "small, still voice" of God Who has directed this particular, individual human person to the vocation of marriage. Only when God calls can we know for certain that marriage is the "right" way of life.

The question, of course, becomes, "How in the world can I be 'sure' that God is calling me to marriage?"

That's a great question, but again, the Catholic Church gives us some really excellent 'indicators' which can help us DISCERN, under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, whether God is calling us to marriage.

As with any discernment process, a couple of 'warnings' at the outset. First, this is, precisely, a PROCESS; it's not an 'over-night' kind of decision-making event. The discernment process takes a while, so acknowledge that as you begin and be willing to persevere in the process.

Second, you will probably do much, much better if you have a 'companion' or 'director' who can help you with the discernment process. This person should not be anybody with whom you are involved or likely to become involved with in a romantic way. This person probably ought not to be a family member. The companion or director might be a Campus Minister, or a Religious Woman, or a priest, but many really fine companions or directors are laywomen or laymen. Talk to the Campus Minister or parish priest to find out the names of people in your area who would be willing to assist you as a discernment companion or spiritual director. Make a commitment to see the companion/director regularly and to be as open and honest as you possibly can with her/him about your prayer, lack of prayer, and life experiences, so that she/he can help you to find the places and ways that God is speaking to you in your life. And of course, regularly being present at and participating fully in the Sacred Liturgy is an indispensable part of an authentic discernment process for any Catholic.

OK, so now you're sort of 'ready' to go more deeply into the discernment process, to try to hear God's direction for you about whether you're called to marriage...and then, whether you're called -- possibly -- to marry this particular person (in your case, this really nice Hindu guy). So what are you looking for as 'hint's or 'indicators' that God is, in fact, calling you to marriage. Look for these six things:

1. Is LOVE part of the relationship? Can you read I Corinthians 13 and say in all honesty that these attributes describe how your relationship with this person really-n-truly works? Do you feel a sexual and physical attraction to each other; is there 'chemistry'? Can you be together in non-sexual ways that are comfortable, supportive, encouraging, respectful? Are you willing to put aside your wants and desires for the LEGITIMATE NEEDS of the other, and vice versa?

2. Are you both MATURE enough to enter into the relationship? Remember that some helping professionals say that in the USA neither men nor women tend to leave adolescence (broadly understood) until their early 30s; so are the both of you able to make the kind of mature commitment that marriage presupposes and requires?

3. Are you both interiorly FREE enough to enter into marriage? Or, are you actually going into a relationship hoping that after you're in it, you'll feel a lot better about yourself? Are you wishing that "he" or "she" will make you really happy in a way that you just don't feel that you can ever have without "him" or "her"? Is marriage your "ticket out" of some really frightening, scary, or depressing situation?

4. Do you look at marriage as being a PERMANENT commitment? We live in a pretty mobile and 'disposable' culture: We eat off of paper plates; we change jobs with regularity; we move from region to region and county to country; we more or less expect to go from 'starter home' to our next house fairly soon. While none of these things is 'wrong', they might be indicators of a presupposition that 'impermanence' is the norm in our 21st century lives. Marriage, on the other hand, is deeply counter-cultural in this, as in most aspects. Marriage is in good times and bad, for better, for worse, until death parts you. That's about as permanent as we can get in this life!

5. Are you entering into the relationship of marriage with a genuine and abiding openness to children? Christians have always believed that love is fruitful: Love always 'results' in touching other lives. Love which is turned in on itself probably isn't love. The easiest way for Catholic Christians to talk about the fruitfulness of love is to point to the love of wife-and-husband which issues in children. By asking this question, the Church is not asserting anything like a 'right' to have children at all costs. Children -- like marriage itself -- are gifts from God Who alone is the Giver; we shouldn't arrogate to ourselves this privilege which is God's. But we should be open to receiving the gift if God chooses to offer it. However, recognizing marital love as fruitful extends beyond openness to children: If God is calling you to marriage, are you willing to continue to love, appropriately, your families of origin? In the context of marriage are you willing to be friends to the poor and the dispossessed helping to provide for their needs? As married persons will you encourage (appropriate) friendships, taking care to maintain those which God has already entrusted to the both of you?

6. Do you recognize the God is intimately involved in the marriage relationship? A marriage in not "between" two people; a marriage is "among" three: Woman-God-Man. If both parties are baptized then the Catholic Church understands the relationship of marriage to be a Sacrament, and some level of Christian commitment is the primary 'indicator.'

In the situation that you, Erin, are asking about, we would not call a relationship to which God might be calling you a "sacrament" because both parties would not be baptized. Baptism is the foundational Sacrament upon which all other sacramental life is based. Moreover, we would want to respect the conscience of the non-baptized party by insisting that the person be baptized or that a marital relationship was a 'Sacrament'.

Rather the Church would say, first, that God can do anything God feels/knows to be best for the persons involved; we can't "tell" God what to do. So, if God 'knows' that calling you -- for instance -- into a life-long relationship of marital love and fidelity with a man who is Hindu is "the best" way for you and for him to live in the divine grace and Presence, then who are we to say to God, "No, you can't do that!" We, as a faith community, have to stand back in awe of the majesty and goodness of our God.

We do have a 'right' to ask that the Catholic party to such a marriage do all that our Church requires to prepare for marriage and to continue to live her life as a Catholic Christian. And we have the 'right' to make sure -- to the best of our ability given the particular circumstances -- that the non-Catholic party to the marriage knows what the Church is asking of the Catholic party. We've had some trouble in our history as a Church when we haven't been open and up-front, so in such a situation, we have to do our utmost to be honest, forthright, and above-board with both parties.

If, after going through a careful discernment process and after going through a thorough marriage preparation process, a Catholic and a non-Catholic (in this case, non-baptized) feel/know that God has called them into a relationship of life-long love and fidelity, we will do all that we can to support them. We don't call the relationship a "Sacrament," but rather we tend to call it a "covenanted relationship" made before God. It is a sacred and holy bond. Our respect for our own understanding of Sacraments as being predicated on the foundation of the Sacrament of Baptism and our respect for the tradition of the non-Catholic/non-baptized person require that we not use the language of "sacrament" to describe the marital relationship between a non-baptized and a Catholic.

So, finally, I would say: Pray and listen to God. If you really "can't get past the religious differences," then you might consider not dating this man. But if your prayer and discernment leads you to the place where you feel that the Lord might be calling you into relationship with this man who "has a good heart, and (who) is a great person," then maybe you should give it a try. I can't "tell" you what to do -- nor do you want me to. I can say that God will guide you and direct you -- and most importantly: God will keep on loving you!

God bless you!
Father Phillip