Topic:  Can two people cohabitate without marriage?

Source of this posting: Moderator response

Date originally posted: December 23, 2003

Moderator who originally posted this source: Fr. Phillip

Question:  I have a question that I'm certain is very common, but I would like more information about. I a 21 year old female and a non-Catholic, but am considering conversion, and I am dating a Catholic boy. We are very much in love and will be married after we are finished with college. Here is my question, if we are not having sex, would it still be considered 'living in sin' to conhabit? We have agreed that we will not engage in sexual activity until we are married, so the situation would be us living together much like any other college roommates would. He told me that the Bible states this as a sin, but can give me no further information on it (because is unsure). I spend so much time over at his apartment already, and I will soon be getting a place of my own, that it makes sense to be together. But, if it is sinful, we cannot. Please help me. We are deeply in love, and I'm trying my best to understand and respect his very devout beliefs.

Answer: 

Thanks for your question to www.CatholicQandA.org.

Let me say that I hope you WON'T become Catholic simply because your boyfriend is Catholic. The only reason a person should become Catholic is because that person is convinced that GOD has called her/him to become a part of our Church.

God, of course, often uses a human being -- like a boyfriend -- to show somebody the wonder and glory of Catholic faith. But only when we've prayed and studied and become convinced through our own personal prayer and study that God is calling us to Catholicism should we make this important move. No matter how much we may love another person, human love is never 'enough' reason to change one's religious conviction -- only God's love is 'enough' reason to do that!

With regard to your question...well, golly -- you pose a difficult situation. I am not aware that the Bible says that living-together-but-not-having-sex is a sin; it may say something like that but not to my knowledge. But I don't see that as the primary issue here.

That you're in deeply in love is wonderful -- a tremendous gift from God -- a gift that should be cherished and respected now and always!

In Catholic tradition we have a phrase that is applicable here, I think: "the near occasion of sin." It means something like this:

"If I am pretty certain that putting myself into a particular situation, I can be fairly sure that I will be really, really tempted to sin, then I must avoid that particular situation -- because it is the 'occasion' that could very likely lead me into sin."

So, while I don't doubt your good intentions, I think that actually living in the same place could easily become the "near occasion of sin" for you and your boyfriend. Hormones and proximity without any 'chaperoning' can be a volatile mix -- good intentions notwithstanding! So, I would urge you guys NOT to live together until you're married.

And from a psychological point-of-view, I think most really good relationships need "space". Even after marriage, the partners need to be able to give each other some "space" to think, to pray, to maintain their personal interests -- so that when they come together as a couple, they bring all those other assets to the relationship. If a couple spends too much time and energy together, the relationship can 'implode' upon itself.

To be sure, couples need not to let work, children, families-of-origin pull them apart. Married couples need to make their relationship their first priority.

That being said, though, they must also strike a good balance -- attending to their own needs. And part of attending to one's own needs is having one's own "space."

(This aspect of married/relationship life is particularly important for women who have often and sadly been socialized to believe that they are supposed to give up everything in order to be caregivers to spouse, children, aging parents. While we do have an obligation to be our "brother's keeper", we are not called to divest ourselves of our own integrity and worth so as to respond to every whim of spouse, children, etc.)

So, this is a kind of long way of saying that I think both you and your boyfriend -- as long as you're not married -- will be healthier and have a better relationship if you both have your own space -- like an apartment or residence hall room -- until you're married.

Blessings in your life and relationship!
Father Phillip