Topic: Can Catholics attend irregular marriages?

Source of this posting: moderator response

Date originally posted: September 24, 2003

Moderator who originally posted this source:  Father Phillip

Question:  Can you find any concrete documentation regarding a Catholic attending an irregular marriage? My brother-in-law is getting married in a civil service (his fiance is divorced and awaiting an annulment) next month and I need to find where it says that a Catholic should not attend. I've scoured the Catechism and can't find what I'm looking for.

Answer:

Thanks for your question, Jennie.

Through the Church, Jesus is always calling each one of us to a deeper, more mature faith relationship with Him, with the Church community, with other human beings, and at a very profound level, with ourselves.

Not to oversimplify, but we might even say that the "reason" the Church exists is to assist people in that never-ending process of coming more deeply into intimate and communal relationship with Jesus Christ.

God gives us many resources to make informed, faithful, prayerful decisions about the moral questions that confront us -- the "big" ones as well as the "everyday" questions. We have the Church of course. And the Church gives us tools, like "The Catechism of the Catholic Church" which you have already wisely turned to, as well as the writings of Popes and theologians and others. The Church also offers us resources like CatholicQandA.org, in addition to the wisdom of personal spiritual direction.

God also gives us helps such as the Sacred Scripture. As Catholics we believe that everything necessary for salvation can be found in the Bible, so it is a tremendous help!

But another of the gifts God gives to each human person is our own personal conscience. The word "con-science" is from Greek and Latin words which mean something like, "to have knowledge with." The human conscience is a faculty, a capacity that God has implanted into the very fabric of our being human. This capacity allows us, when properly formed, to have knowledge with God...to know as God knows -- always remembering of course that we are limited and that God is infinite so our "knowledge with God" is never going to be complete.

Like any "muscle" we are obliged to "work out" our consciences with the assistance of the Church's "coaching" so that our own consciences will be imbued with the knowledge, wisdom, and experience of the Church community; that's another way of saying that we have to have "well formed consciences."

You certainly seem to be in the life-long process of developing, under the guidance of the Holy Spirit and with the help of the Church, a well-formed conscience! Congratulations!

As our consciences develop, as we grow in our Catholic Christian faith, and as we grow in our ever-maturing relationship with Jesus Christ, God entrusts to us opportunities to exercise our consciences.

Analogously, parents of small children often say things like, "You have to go to bed at this time because I said so and I am your parent and I love you so I am telling you what's best for you." For a little child who can't reason elaborately such a parental "direct order" for a strictly enforced bedtime is in most cases probably good enough.

But as a child grows and matures, the parents are probably going to say something more along the lines of, "To grow well a person needs plenty of rest, so I hope that you will make a responsible decision which shows respect for your body; so figure out the best way for you to get the sleep you need." Trusting in the capacity of the maturing child to make a responsible decision after getting the facts is an important part of the role of parents.

Similarly, God sometimes gives us "direct orders", and such a command from the Lord is extremely helpful -- especially when neither our faith relationship nor the capacity of our consciences has been maturely developed.

But as we grow in faith and as our consciences are more fully formed, God -- ever the loving Parent -- entrusts to us circumstances in which we are allowed to try to make faith-filled, loving, compassionate decisions that are consonant with the teaching of the Church and of the Scripture.

Rather than treating us as immature children, God rejoices in seeing us grow to greater and greater maturity of faith.

All of this was to say: I doubt in all honesty that there is "any concrete documentation regarding a Catholic attending an irregular marriage."

Rather I think the Church asks you to talk with your brother-in-law in a personal, private, respectful way outlining your thoughts:

-- that he and his fiance should probably wait for the completion of her decree of nullity before getting married

-- that you are really happy that God has called him to the life-long commitment of loving Christian marriage

-- that you will pray for the new couple

-- that you are impressed that his fiance has begun the process for obtaining a decree of nullity because you recognize that simply by beginning the process he and his fiance have acknowledged that having the Catholic Church as a "party" to their marriage is important to them

-- and that you wish them all the blessings in the world!

Before and after you've had this talk with your brother-in-law, PRAY for God's good and generous guidance about whether you should attend the civil service. Listen with open heart and open mind for the Lord's response.

Remember: When in doubt, try to do the compassionate thing! The Lord Jesus calls us to be loving as He is loving, rather than to set ourselves up as judges of our sisters and brothers. As lots of the Saints have saint in one way or another: We are called to do the Truth in Love. It's a challenging but rewarding task for our entire lives!

I'm confident that you and God are a GREAT team and that you will make a reasoned, mature, truthful, loving, and compassionate decision!

Blessings,
Father Phillip