Topic:  What is the nature of Catholic marriage?

Source of this posting: Moderator response

Date originally posted: December 1, 2003

Moderator who originally posted this source: Father Phillip

Question:   This will probably be a more in depth question.. The girl that I am in love with, I believe is a Catholic. Religion is one thing that we do not talk about, I believe in God.. but I do not have a set religion because I haven't found one that I find to be completely true yet. I know absolutely nothing about the Catholic religion, other then it's fairly strict. I have some questions, but I was wondering where I could get some answers to common questions.. stuff that I hear often like.. is it true that you believe that pre-marital sex will result in 'burning in hell,' or that you do not believe in birth control. Say, later down the road, I wanted to marry this girl.. what would I have to know, how would this religion change my life if I were to accept it, do I have to convert to marry her. Basically my question is.. a breakdown of a Catholic marriage.. if anyone could give me a heads up, I would appreciate it very much! Thank you

Answer: 

Thanks, Cody, for your questions; they are really excellent. Before I say anything about “Catholic marriage,” I want to comment on something you mention at the beginning of your question.

1. You say that you don’t have a “set religion” because you “haven’t found one that … [is] completely true yet.” If you demand that any “set religion” be “completely true,” you’re going to be waiting for a very, very long time.

Religion is, really, a love affair. Religion, and the faith that undergirds it, is a life-long experience of growing more deeply, more realistically in love with God and with God’s people.

When you fall in love – in your case with a woman – you see her in all her beauty and wonder and magnificence. That’s surely as it should be! As you get to know each other over time, you’ll see that, while she remains wonderful, she’s not perfect. (She’ll probably find the same thing about you!) Those things which are not perfect about her will only serve to make her more special, more remarkable to you. Rather than leaving her because she’s not 100% perfect, you’ll learn that the love which binds you to her is stronger than any of the little things which you might want to change.

Religion is similar. I’m Catholic – not because I was born into the Church; I chose to become a Catholic when I was in my 20s. I love God, and the Sacraments, and Jesus, and the Bible, and the Holy Spirit, and the community of God’s people, and the work we try to do for justice. All of those things are great! But, I’m not stupid! There are things about the Catholic Church that I’m not crazy about. But those blemishes don’t make me dislike the Church – any more than your girlfriend’s “blemishes” make you dislike her!

More theologically, “religion” is a way that God has given us of putting into a tangible form the wonder of our relationship with God. God is infinite and, therefore, can’t be “contained” in any thing. We, on the other hand, are finite, so we can’t completely understand or experience the Infinite. Our religious expressions are bound to fall short in one way or another. But God is patient: carefully, slowly, gently leading us and guiding us to fuller, deeper, more complete understandings and expressions of who God is…and of who we are!

In order for religion to be a vital, vibrant, and transforming part of our lives, we have to be willing to give our hearts over to the experience! We can’t just approach religion with our minds – though minds are important to a full experience of religion.

You didn’t “decide” to fall in love with your mind – though your mind can give you lots of good reasons to be in love with this particular woman. Love is mostly a matter of the heart.

So, try giving your heart to God, and see where God leads you in terms of religious expression.

And now your questions about marriage…

2. No, you don’t have to convert to Catholicism to marry a Catholic. The Church wants each person to be who God has created that person to be. If God has created you to be Catholic, then we want you to be Catholic. But to become a Catholic, you have to do it FOR GOD – not for a human being (no matter how wonderful she/he may be!). We will be delighted if God is calling you to be part of the Church community – you would be a tremendous gift to us – but that is usually discerned over a period of time, after lots of prayer and careful thought.

You might want to go to a campus minister or priest in your area and ask about the RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults). This process is one which is designed to help women and men hear God’s call in their lives, specifically about whether God is inviting that person to become a part of our Church community. There’s no pressure, just a welcome and opportunities to learn.

We’re proud of being Catholic. And we want the very best for you. Most of us would honestly say that we think being Catholic would probably be best for you – irrespective of whether you and this girl/woman get married. But we also know that we’re not God. So, we’ll be happy to leave it to you and God (a pretty darned good team!) to figure out how and when and if you’re supposed to become Catholic. In the meantime, we’ll wait and welcome and be available to you.

3. Premarital sex is not something we’re generally in favor of for lots of good reasons. (I suggest that you go to the Virtual Library here at www.CatholicQandA.org and read the stuff in the “Sexual Morality” section which will, hopefully, help you understand our point-of-view.)

However, I feel fairly comfortable saying that, even though our Church’s position regarding premarital sex is not favorable, we do NOT believe that having premarital sex “will result in ‘burning in hell’” as you asked in your question.

We certainly believe that hell exists. But only God knows who’s in hell. We’re finite (remember?!?), so we just can’t presume to tell God who should and who shouldn’t go to hell. That’s God’s call alone!

God has certainly revealed a lot about Who God is. And those revelations in the Bible and through the experience of God’s people (in a formal way we Catholics call that experience “the Tradition” – though exactly what that Tradition is is a good bit more complex than I can say here) have shown God to be True, Just, Loving, and Compassionate. Those are the “characteristics” of God which are most compelling to me. I’m happy to leave to that True, Just, Loving and Compassionate God who’ll end up in heaven and who won’t!

But, again, we don’t think that premarital sex is a good idea!

4. The Pope teaches that artificial birth control is sinful. One of the bedrock beliefs of Catholicism is that intercourse between a husband and wife is sacred and holy. For marital intercourse to be fully what we believe God intends it to be, two things need to be present in the experience. The act of intercourse needs to be consensual and a physical expression of the life-long committed love of the partners in marriage; in this way, the act of intercourse makes real and increases the bond of married love. At the same time, in ways that are appropriate to the age of the married partners, each act of intercourse should be open to God’s will concerning the creation of new life. This openness to the creation of new life reflects the goodness and fruitfulness of the love which the partners in marriage have for each other and which God has for the world. In this way, the fullness of married love is made manifest in the lives of the married couple.

5. You say that you and your girlfriend don’t talk about religion. Golly! I would urge you to start talking about religion. Regularly. Daily. I’m NOT saying that you should argue, of course, about religion, but you should talk about it. Clearly, religion is important to you or you wouldn’t have written us at www.CatholicQandA.org! And I suspect that religion is important to your girlfriend otherwise you wouldn’t probably have some of the questions that you do have!

Some suggestions about how to talk with each other about religion:

• If the discussion gets heated, drop it immediately. Always, always, always – in matters of religion and all others – apologize every single time you say or do anything that is hurtful, cruel, or mean, and ask her to forgive you.
• When you have questions that neither of you knows the answer to, seek out somebody who does know the answer rather than just remaining in darkness about the issue.
• Pray together each day. Maybe say the Lord’s Prayer together while holding hands. Say a grace before meals – again holding hands when you do it.
• If you like to read, read books about the stuff you have questions about.
• Go to Church together regularly.

6. Finally, remember that God is MUCH MORE interested in this relationship than even you are! God cares infinitely about you and about your girlfriend! God wants the very best for you and for her. So, trust that God will lead you and guide you to a life-giving relationship. All the two of you have to do is open yourselves more and more to God, and things will turn out for good!

Blessings,
Father Phillip