Topic: Unique Marriage Situation

Date originally posted: March 23, 2002

Source of this posting: Moderator response to emailed question

Moderator who originally posted this source: P.Leach

Question:  Warning:  this is a very tough question!  14 years ago I met my husband through teaching the confirmation class at our church.  My husband comes from an alcoholic, abusive family and he married at age 18 to escape that situation.  However, he ended up marrying a girl in the Catholic Church while he was in a {unbeknownst to him at the time} deep depression caused by tragic losses in his life.  His wife became involved in drugs, alcohol and adultery and refused to have children.  When he began the annulment process, our priest said he definitely had grounds. During the process, my husband's family delayed their responses as witnesses and told lies in their paperwork.  After 2 years and many appeals (even to the head of the Tribunal who was moved to tears by our faith and despair) we were told by 'an insider' (a priest on the Tribunal) that the case was so inconsistent at this point that we should move to another diocese and try again!  He also told us that my husband's stepmother's testimony was very damaging.  At this point we approached the Episcopal church and married there.  We were told by our parish priest who knew my husband and his underlying grounds for annulment, that this was a 'travesty of justice' and that our archdiocese had been 'slapped on the wrist by Rome' for giving out too many annulments.  Therefore it was partly a political situation.  Our parish priest told us that although we must marry somewhere else, we can fully participate in our Roman Catholic community afterwards!  He basically gave us an 'internal annulment'.  We have since moved to another state, adopted a baby (who is baptized Catholic) and joined a parish where we were leaders of home bible discussions and now are taking an intensive 15 week class on the book of Galatians.  Anyway, we pray the rosary, go to mass, and we want to FULLY participate, i.e., go to the sacrament of Reconciliation, I would like to be a Eucharistic minister, etc.  But I feel I can't go to confession unless I mention that we were married outside the church, and then I wouldn't be able to receive absolution.  My parents say to take our 'internal decree' with us in our hearts knowing that the church is both fully human and divine, especially considering that our priest told us he feels evil and deception presided over the truth.  I cannot live without communion and have been receiving it.  I did call the local Tribunal when we moved here and they said my husband would have to have 3 witnesses to proceed...but here's the problem...he doesn't have 3 witnesses to that marriage of 20+ years ago!  I understand there are rules in the Catholic Church and I would accept the decision if there weren't grounds but 2 things stop me:  1.  He absolutely has grounds for annulment as described by canon law and 2.  Two weeks after I met my husband I was praying asking the Lord if he was the man I was going to marry and I had an indescribable experience where the Lord just shot me through the heart with light, and I knew that I was meant to marry him.  I have brought him back to the church and his faith, yet now we are rejected and cast out.  If you could offer us any advice, short of trying again since we don't have the witnesses, we would really appreciate it.  Is an internal annulment valid when a church official who knows the person and the details of the case avers that the Tribunal was wrong in this instance?  Thank you SO MUCH for your time.  Sincerely,  Grace

Answer:

Dear Grace,

 How wonderful that you knew enough to pray about whom to marry!  Congratulations, that shows a depth of openness to God and maturity in faith that all of us need to imitate!   

The best marriages are those which are the result of prayer!!! 

The next thing I would say is the process of applying for a Decree of Nullity is a slow and careful one in most Dioceses.  It's an attempt, under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, to ascertain whether at the time the marriage was 'contracted' all the conditions for a sacramental marriage were present in the relationship.  As with That out of the way, I would make general comments.

 As with all processes in which God graciously condescends to allow us to co-operate with divine grace, human sinfulness can, sadly, cause the very best process to go awry. 

 Clearly, you and your husband have a rich and vibrant spiritual life in which you pray together, lead Bible study, and participate in many aspects of Christian life.  That is something for which to be deeply and profoundly grateful.

 As you said, you would "like to be Eucharistic Minister."  That is, of course, a good and noble desire.  I pray that, someday, you'll be able to fulfill your desire. 

But, the fact of the matter is that we don't always get to do what we would like.  This situation may be one of those circumstances.  While I am sorry, it's a reality of life.  The Scripture is VERY clear that Jesus would have liked NOT to go to the Cross, but He didn't get to do what He would have liked.  So it is with us in some situations.

 I am not a Canon Lawyer, and I presume that you aren't either, so I can't say that your husband "absolutely has grounds for an annulment."  I just don't know.  I have to leave that in the hands of faithful women and men who are Canon Lawyers.  And I will pray for them that they make the right decision in all cases, under the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

 One thing that struck me throughout your question and story was that some of what you're thinking and feeling now is the result of comments that were made to you by people who were not directly involved in your formal case before the Tribunal.  My own experience is that a great deal of conversation about an important topic rarely helps me hear the Lord's voice and usually serves to confuse the situation and to confuse me.

 Finally, I don't think I've ever heard of an "internal annulment."  In the seminary we were taught that some things are in the "external forum" while other things are in the "internal forum."  External forum matters, such as your husband's application to a diocesan Tribunal, can be discussed though not freely but only with the appropriate people who have some need to know.

 Internal forum matters, such as what is said within the Sacrament of Reconciliation/Penance, cannot be discussed outside that context -- period.  Internal forum matters are "under the seal," so to speak.  Part of what makes it "internal forum" is that nobody involved has the right to discuss it abroad. 

So, I have to conclude that this "internal annulment" of which you speak is in the external forum.  And in the external forum, I've NEVER heard of anything like it. 

MY ADVICE:  You seem like a very faithful person who deserves the care and solace that comes from careful attention to your spiritual life.  So, I would URGE you to seek out a qualified Spiritual Director.  Sometimes priests are good Spiritual Directors, but there is no need for a Spiritual Director to be ordained.  Many nuns or other Religious Women and some lay people are qualified, gifted, graced Spiritual Directors. 

Make a commitment to see your Spiritual Director on a monthly basis for the foreseeable future -- like four or five years.  Be utterly honest and completely candid with her/him.  Allow the Spiritual Director to help you feel the direction and movement of the Holy Spirit of God in your life.   

And mention to the Spiritual Director that she/he might want to help you with the question of scrupulosity. 

You are a really good person, obviously; the Lord will direct and guide you! 

Blessings,

Father Phillip