Topic: Can a Catholic marry a Protestant?

Date originally posted: November 13, 2002

Source of this posting: Moderator response to emailed question

Moderator who originally posted this source: Father Phillip

Question: What is the church's view about a Roman Catholic marrying someone of a Protestant faith? How would the church advise the couple regarding their practice of faith, baptism of children, etc?

Answer: 

Thanks, Brooke, for your question.

And the basic answer is this: God can call any of us to marry just about anybody. God is, after all, God!

As Catholic Christians, we have this wonderful faith that God has only our good and well-being in mind for us. God wants us to live life abundantly, and God guides and directs our lives -- to the degree that we will let God do so -- toward that wholeness and fulfillment.

Even in the matter of whether we should be married and, if we should, in the matter of whom we should marry -- God is active, loving, guiding, directing, helping us. That is a magnificent assurance of faith, isn't it?!?!

In order to hear God's call clearly and to respond to that divine call, we have to be prayerfully and consistently attentive. As the Scriptures tell us, God usually seems to speak in a small, still voice. To discern that small, still divine voice in the midst of all the clamor and distractions fighting for our attention in the world, we have to turn off the radio, take off the mp3 earphones, and just wait upon the Lord, listening reverently.

If we do that in good and productive ways, God will respond to us in a manner that we are able to discern and understand. God's responses cannot be manipulated; they cannot be demanded on OUR timetables; they cannot be forced. But they will come to us. God will lead us and guide us.

Essentially, that "discernment process" about marriage has two stages. The first stage is hearing God's answer to the question, "Lord, are you calling us to be married?" That is, before we can hear God's call about whom we should or should not marry, we have to hear God's call and will for us about WHETHER we should be married at all.

Unfortunately, many people just "assume" that they have a right to get married, that they ought to get married, that they should get married, that marriage is the next-absolutely-necessary step in their lives, that they must get married in order to be happy.

But the fact of the matter is: Marriage is a vocation. Marriage is a call and a gift FROM God. God graciously chooses to give that call and gift to many people, but not to everybody.

I am convinced that the tragedy of the very high divorce rate in our country and culture stems, in large part (though certainly not exclusively), from the fact that Christians do not ask in prayer this important PRIOR question: "Are You, Lord, calling me to be married 'in general'?"

The only way marriage can really be life-giving and wonderful -- though certainly it is always a challenging and many times difficult vocation -- is if God has chosen to give two people the gift of a divine call to be married. Otherwise, it's something that we take upon ourselves, foolishly, ignorantly, and even arrogantly. And honestly, we just don't have the 'strength' or 'wisdom' to handle the challenges of married life on our own; we truly and deeply NEED divine grace to make the supernatural vocation of marriage a "success." To receive that divine grace it helps a whole lot if we have tried to hear God's call and then to be open to it in a formal, careful, consistent way!

So, the first step in the discernment process for marriage is to pray for an answer to the question, "Lord, are You calling me to 'the married state'?" If, after faithfully pursuing a discernment process with a spiritual director, we determine that God really is calling us to be married, then we can move to the second stage.

In the second stage, we ask -- again, prayerfully, with the assistance of a spiritual director, and without deadlines that we try to impose on God -- this question, "Lord, whom are You calling me to marry?"

Clearly, this is the more "fun" question, and it is the question that we usually much prefer to focus on! But unless we have first worked through, in our prayer and discernment, that PRIOR question about whether God is calling us to be married, asking this second "fun" question will usually end up in our getting our signals woefully crossed.

But, if we are in the habit of including our good and loving God in the process of discerning the divine will for our lives, we will find that hearing God's call to this second question --"Whom are you calling me to marry, Lord?" -- is not, usually, terribly difficult.

Since God is -- well -- God, God can and does call a person to marry precisely the "right" person if we are, indeed, called to be married. And since God is God, God can and does call us to marry the "right" person without regard to whether that person is Protestant, Catholic, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu, a person of faith, or a person of no (explicit) faith. When we allow God to be an integral, daily part of our discerning, God leads us to the right person and to the relationship that will help to lead us and our partner in marriage to abundant lives -- here and in the life to come.

Now, of course, some logical, prudent observations should be added at this point.

For example, marriage -- even when God has called us to the vocation of marriage -- is difficult. So, when we factor in additional "stressors", e.g., differences in religious background and assumptions, we have to be extremely careful, very slow, profoundly sure to have talked and been prayerfully honest with the other person about as many of the potential difficulties as we possibly can.

For this reason, among many others, the Catholic Church almost always requires a lengthy -- six months or more -- period of preparation for ANY couple who thinks that God is calling them to be married. During this period, the couple works with designated ministers of the community of faith to discern whether God is calling them to marriage and what some of the foreseeable challenges to the married relationship might be as well as proposing possible strategies for dealing with those potential challenges.

That period of preparation is required for a Catholic marrying a Catholic AND for a Catholic who has been called by God to marry a person who is not Catholic.

That's a long way of answering your first question about the Church's "view about a Roman Catholic marrying someone of a Protesant faith."

The latter component of your question, "How would the church advise the couple regarding their practice of faith, baptism of children, etc?" is, predictably, rather complex. But here's a go at the 'simple' answer:

The Church would strongly urge the couple to TALK honestly, forthrightly, from the heart about these issues during the discernment/preparation period. Don't just leave them "till later." Pray about these questions; pray about these questions TOGETHER. Talk with a priest/campus minister or a well-trained Catholic minister of marriage preparation. Talk with couples who have walked this road successfully in the past. And don't get in a rush about getting married; go slow; listen to God; listen to each other; listen to the wisdom of the Church and of those who have negotiated the issues before you.

Specifically, the Catholic Church would NOT advise the non-Catholic party to become Catholic as a way of satisfying the Catholic or the Catholic's family. The only reason a person should come into full communion with the Catholic Church is that God calls that person to take this important step. No matter how much a non-Catholic may love and be committed to the Catholic partner in marriage, the Catholic partner in marriage in him- or her- self is never a good enough reason for a non-Catholic to join the Church! Only God and God's call are "good enough" reasons for a person to join our Church.

We would advise the couple to practice their religious beliefs in ways that are faithful responses to who God has called them personally to be. The Catholic should be a Catholic, and should be a GOOD Catholic. The Protestant partner in marriage should listen carefully for God's call and should follow that call -- and if that call is to be a really excellent and faith-filled Protestant: super!

Marriage is not a license to re-make the partner in matters religious or in any other matters. Marriage is a common endeavor in which the woman and the man, in response to God's call, become through God's grace and the (valid and licit) exchange of vows the Presence of Christ to and for each other.

Marriage is a sacred relationship in which the partners minister the 'real presence' of Jesus Christ to one another in their lives, their words, their love-making, their mutual support, their fidelity throughout life. This sacred partnership is always three-way: Man-God-Woman, Woman-God-Man, God-Man-Woman, God-Woman-Man...you get the idea! God is the indispensable partner in a marriage, especially and particularly in a marriage of two baptized persons.

Finally, Brooke, on the question of children, I'll say the following: In order for the Catholic Church to be "officially 'on-board'" with a marriage, the Catholic party has to sign a statement -- with the full knowledge of the non-Catholic party -- that the Catholic party will do everything she or he can do to see to it that any children will be baptized and reared as Catholics. The Catholic party also has to affirm her/his faith in Christ and her/his intention to live out that faith as a Catholic, as well as recognizing the respect the Catholic party must always maintain for the conscience of the non-Catholic party.

The Catholic Church assumes that parents -- all parents -- want "the best" for their children. The Catholic Church ALSO wants "the best" for all children and particularly the children of this marriage to which God has called this woman and this man. That much is 'granted.'

While we do not want the non-Catholic party to apologize for who he or she is, at the same time, we, as Catholics, feel no need whatsoever to apologize for who God has called us to be. And we are grateful to God to be able to say that "being Catholic is best for us and we think being Catholic is best for your children."

By saying this we are not impugning the goodness of the non-Catholic parent, we are simply stating what should be obvious: We are Catholic because we know in our hearts that God has called us to be; doing and being what God has called us to do and be is "the best" -- always and in every case. So, we pray and hope and ask that your children have "the best," and we are honest enough to be straightforward about what we think that "best" should look like.

You probably are worn out with this long-winded answer to a short question, but believe it or not!, there is actually a lot more I could and probably should say :-) However, I'll spare you yet another installment in this lecture series, and just thank you for visiting CatholicQandA and wish you God's blessings in every part of your life!

Father Phillip