Topic:  How do we negotiate relationships with family members who are not open to Catholicism?

Source of this posting: Moderator response

Date originally posted: August 2, 2004

Moderator who originally posted this source: Father Phillip

Question:   Dear Campus Minister, I'm a practicing Catholic and so is my wife who entered the church less than two years ago. My wife's parents are agnostic (mother) and atheist (father) respectively. Her father was raised Catholic but is an adamant atheist. Aside from my wife's parents and her sister, the rest of her extended family practice Catholicism. Recently, both of her parents, who are otherwise wonderful people, have sort of thrown the gauntlet down concerning religion. My wife's mother especially seems to be having an issue with our faith. We have never challenged her parents' belief systems, nor are we prone to even bring up the sore subject. We aren't interested in proselytizing. Her mother, under the guise of simply wanting to know more about our faith, has literally challenged us to in effect disprove her (and many of her acquiantances) notions about the Catholic faith. Some of those notions, which I believe to be misperceptions, are that the Catholic Church is the enemy of scientific progress, women's rights, and humans in general. In short, she unfortunately views the Church as a bastion of secrecy and hypocrisy. These misunderstandings are futher fueled by the fact that popular fiction (e.g. the DaVinci Code), the news media, and her close friends (either practicing Southern protestants or agnostics) all seem to foster these views. For the record, I haven't much of a clue concerning the plot of the DaVinci code but most readers seem to be viewing a work of fiction as an insight into historical truth (and that truth is an affirmation of all their darkest fears about Catholicism). My mother-in-law, though educated, is really not conversant with religion or religious history. That further increases the difficulty of presenting our faith to her when she directly challenges us to do so. Part of her antipathy is exacerbated by her relationship with her own mother-in-law (my wife's paternal grandmother) who has often made my mother-in-law feel out of the loop in regards to religion. So, in a sense, my mother-in-law seems to view my wife's very personal faith journey as somehow taking sides with the Catholic side of the family. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth, my wife's faith is her own. Do you have any suggestions for titles of books that my mother-in-law could be read regarding the Catholic faith? Again, our goal for sharing any titles with her that you might recommend would not be to proselytize but rather to help her achieve a more balanced understanding of our faith. Again, though she is educated and an avid reader, any book(s) should not take for granted that she would have much background in Christianity alone, and Roman Catholicism in particular. Any additional suggestions apart from a title to share with her would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance for taking the time to answer my questions.Kevin

Answer: 

Thanks very much for your question(s) to CatholicQandA.org!

You describe a matrix of situations which are burdensome for everybody involved. My suspiscion is that a whole of good will and prayer will be about the only things that will be able to help.

When I was in the seminary one of our faculty made the following remark which has always stuck with me, "Virtually nobody is ever 'argued' into the Truth, but many people are 'loved' to Truth." I think he was right.

My own experience suggests that rarely is a person convinced of the Truth when that person's heart is not disposed to hearing and accepting the Truth. No matter how great the book, no matter how eloquent the speaker, no matter how persuasive the argument -- people's hearts and minds have to be softened by grace in order -- usually -- to receive the gift of faith.

By saying all of that, I don't mean to discourage you with regard to your mother-in-law. Rather, I would just want to remind you of what you already know: God loves your mother-in-law -- as God loves you and your wife -- more than we can even begin to imagine! And our tas, I think, is to rely on that divine love and mercy above all things.

Books that some people have found meaningful when trying to understand why intelligent and good people would become part of the Catholic Church might include the following:

Thomas Merton's "Seven Story Mountain."

John Henry Newman's "Apologia pro vita sua" (it's really in English!).

Augustine's "Confessions."

Henri Nouwen's, "Letters to Marc about Jesus."

http://www.ratzingerfanclub.com/Dulles/ has written a spiritual autobiography, the name of which I forget, which some people have found compelling.

http://www.peterkreeft.com/home.htm has also written a number of books and articles that many people find useful.