Topic:  Is being angry a sin?

Source of this posting: Moderator response

Date originally posted: May 23, 2003

Moderator who originally posted this source: Father Phillip

Question:   If I am angry with a family member, and I have every right to be angry, but I forgive this person, but still stay mad at them by not going near them, am I sinning? I dont want to cause anymore fights with this person, and have tried to talk, but we just keep ending up in a shout match....I can not win and I can not lose, not matter what I do, everything turns out bad...Thanks

Answer: 

Great question, Jake; thanks for asking it!

Forgiveness is a process -- that is to say, it's never "finished." (Until of course we get to heaven and then God will be all-in-all!) Forgiveness is a process of entering daily into the love, compassion, and mercy of God; forgiveness calls us to allow those tremendous divine gifts to flow into us making their "home" (for that day, so to speak) in our very beings; and then being so open to the Holy Spirit that those divine gifts flow through us out into the world -- specifically into the life of the person whom we are in the process of forgiving.

So, I commend you for being in the process of forgiving this particular family member. That's great! And don't be bummed if you find that you have to continue the process of forgiving; it's normal and natural and what God, apparently, intends.

Are you sinning by staying mad at this person? Well, I don't know for sure. But I am quite certain that by staying mad at the person you are (1) hurting YOURSELF by 'wasting' all that energy and effort which are required to maintain "mad-ness" and (2) you need to keep the process of forgiving that person on an "open channel" because the process isn't complete yet!

Are you sinning by not going near the person? I don't think so. In fact, I think you're showing good judgment -- "prudence" in more traditional language. That's evidence of your being open to the Holy Spirit. And that, of course, is wonderful. So, trust your instincts and stay away from the person as much as you can as long as the process of forgiving is on-going.

One last word: You need to be praying by name for this family member every single day! Jesus is very clear about this; we need to pray for those who hurt and persecute and offend us.

I'm big on what I call 3 x 5 card prayers. That means, to me, that a really useful prayer is one that I can fit on a 3 x 5 card -- that is, a short prayer that I can memorize easily.

So, I would suggest something like the following: "Dear Lord, please let __________ [fill in the family member's name] have a really good day; let her/him feel good about himself/herself; and let him/her feel your love today in a special way. Amen."

In that way you're praying FOR the family member, and that's what Jesus says we should be doing. Sometimes we pray, "Lord, help me to forgive so-and-so." That's a perfectly good prayer. But it's a prayer for ME -- not really for the other person. And Jesus says we should pray for the other person -- that is, the one at whom we're angry or whatever.

So, I would suggest that you 'invent' your own prayer for the family member at whom you're angry. And then memorize that prayer for the other person and pray it every single day. Be sure to include the family member's name in your prayer -- that makes it a lot more personal and every single human person is precious to God.

The 'technique' I personally use is to pray those prayers multiple times each day. The way I do it is sort of "Pavlovian". I figure out, for instance, what kind of car that person drives, and then every time I see that model of car on the road, it reminds me to say my prayer for the person. Or sometimes I decide that I will say that prayer for the other person, every time I go into my kitchen or every time I put a CD in. It's just some kind of "trigger" to get me to pray the prayer for the other person. I find that some 'method' like that really helps me to remember to pray for the other person. Maybe it will help you as well.

Thanks so much for visiting, www.CatholicQandA.org!

Blessings,
Father Phillip